You're gaslighting your dog
And probably a few people, too.
A thunderstorm is rolling in. The lightning is getting closer, the thunder is getting louder, and your dog is shaking in your arms on the couch.
"It's okay," you say, stroking her head. "Don't worry. There's nothing wrong."
You probably don't realize you're making things worse.
From the dog's perspective, things are not okay. There is something real to be afraid of, and you are asking her to stop believing her own senses.
With the best intentions in the world, you are gaslighting your dog.
I learned this from my dog's trainers, and it sounds backwards at first, but think about it: you never say "it's okay" when nothing is wrong. You only reach for it when things aren't okay - which means it doesn't provide comfort - it provides reinforcement.
What you need to do instead is called Name and Explain.
"Yeah, that was loud. Those are fireworks. They're far away, and they're scary, and here's a cookie." Then you ask what she needs, and you watch what she tells you. Some dogs want their kennel. Some want a dark room with a fan running.
But whatever you do, you don't get to decide on her behalf that the fear is unwarranted.
We do this to each other constantly.
Recently, in one week, two different people told me "it's okay" when I told them I was struggling.
The first was at the dentist. I have a history with dental sensitivity and trauma, so I’m interviewing dentists before I let them put their pokey instruments in my mouth.
Nothing I said was met with curiosity. Every concern I had was quickly brushed aside with some version of “you’ll be fine.” They were trying to express “nice and caring” and what I felt was “please stop asking me to actually care about you.”
The second was my Spanish teacher. The homework was confusing and more advanced than our level, and I told her that.
"It's okay, everyone gets confused!" Then she spent the class showing us how she would have done the homework while everyone else checked out.
Both of these people thought they were being nice. Truly. I read people for a living and these were genuine attempts to “make things okay,” just like when your dog is terrified and you want to soothe them.
Sometimes the kind thing isn't making someone feel better about a bad situation. It's admitting the situation is bad.
They weren't trying to dismiss me. They were trying to make the discomfort go away. The problem is that the discomfort they were managing wasn’t mine - it was theirs.
Your sensitivity is inconvenient for my schedule.
Your confusion is uncomfortable for me.
"It's okay" performs as concern for you while solving the problem for me.
It's a claim about reality - a flat assertion that the world is fine and you've misread it.
When someone brings you a problem and you reach for "it's okay" before you understand what they're telling you, you've tried to fix the problem before you understood the problem.
What’s the message that sends? Because it isn’t “I care about you.”
The fix isn't complicated.
A real relationship takes two people willing to stay in the discomfort long enough to understand the root cause. Every shortcut around the discomfort is a shortcut around the relationship, and a relationship you've shortcut isn't whole.
Get curious before you get useful. Name what's real instead of denying it. Find out what the person actually needs instead of deciding for them.
P.S. Anyone have a recommendation for a Spanish class or a dentist? Cuz I’m in the market for both.
There's a cousin to "it's okay" we’ll be discussing at the next Trust Physics Live.
"It's okay" walks you out of the conversation by overruling the other person. But what about when you overrule yourself?
"It's not really my place."
"They'd never listen to me anyway."
"I don't have enough authority to address this."
Both moves feel like good manners: one talks you out of taking someone else seriously, the other talks you out of taking yourself seriously, and either way, the conversation that needed to happen doesn't.
Thursday, July 9th, we're working through this one in Trust Physics Live, a free monthly chat where we think about something bigger than your to-do list. I'd love to have you join the conversation!